Haven’t written a song for awhile. February 16, 2007 took the wind out of my sales. My brother was the biggest fan of my music. Dave and I shared a room most of our childhood, we even roomed together in college. He tried to run sound for my first Band “Black Light Syndrome”, but the free beer was his downfall. Eventually, I got married and settled down a bit. Meanwhile, Dave decided his business degree wasn’t for him got a wildlife and fisheries degree lived in Illinois for a while, then moved down south to Auburn University and finally a DNR job in Albany, GA.
My brother was my biggest fan. I wrote most of my songs with him in mind. Sure, I wrote songs for lovers and songs about friends and places and imaginary characters, but as I wrote and recorded and mixed, I always was motivated by playing the song for Dave. I would send tapes to Georgia, and couldn’t wait until he came back home to visit so the band could jam for him. He was an adequate drummer and would sit in after the drummer left.
I would try to schedule gigs so that Dave could attend, and he would sing every word. When he moved back in 2005, my family, the band, everyone was ecstatic. He attended practice and seemed to live for the music more than anyone else that stopped by to hear us play. When he was around we were superstars.
Now he’s gone and I can’t write and the song lyrics that resonate are words like Neil Young’s, Out on the Weekend – “Can’t relate to joy…”.
I’m not sure when or if I’ll be able to turn it on again. Sure, I play, and the sparks of creativity still fire in the old synapses, but I don’t seem to be inspired to turn them into anything. Everyday I think of Dave, everyday I try to pretend that things will return to the way they were, that my brother will show up at the next gig, that I’ll write him a song and he’ll sing it at the top of his lungs in a drunken bar. But, there is this black chasm, this grey foggy everyday pretend, like sleepwalking.
There is a hole where my music used to be.
